Can Your “Social Skills” Atrophy Like a Muscle?
One of the biggest internal struggles I have been having over the last few months is around social interaction. As an “extroverted introvert” I have been trying to find my sweet spot with regards to socializing. In the last year or two, I came across my winning formula which consisted of primarily small groups and 1:1 interactions. It’s in those moments that people mistake me for an extrovert because I can carry a conversation, am very open and transparent, and am a bit of an “entertainer” in that I infuse levity into most of my interactions. However, as the pandemic has forced us to rethink in-person interactions, I’ve found myself slowly drifting away and forgetting to reach out to people.
Part of my challenge is that I have been self-isolating with my partner who provides a daily dose of my preferred social interaction (1:1 conversation). As a result, I haven’t recognized the need to connect with others. Also, my job requires me to speak to people 1:1 in coaching conversations multiple times a day. However, where I seem to have gone astray is in forgetting that my work relationships are very one-sided (by design). I am there to listen to others and not to share my own personal struggles or thoughts. So what feels like constant social interaction is actually an illusion and may have adverse effects on my ability to engage in normal social interactions once we return to more in-person regular meet-ups.
My concerns for my own social well-being and mental health were solidified by a recent NY Times article that argued that social skills are like muscles that can atrophy when we don’t use them regularly. As a result, this pandemic may prevent many of us from regularly utilizing our social skills and thus make it more difficult to cope on the other side of this pandemic. The research in the NY Times article came from research around crews who were on isolated expeditions or inmates who spent extended periods of time in solitary confinement and then were released. There were a few key findings in that study around how to cope with these extended periods of social isolation. For example, one of the researchers found that, “The guys who survive best are the ones who write letters and maintain visitation and who maintain communication with other people, even if it’s just through the walls of a cell block. It’s the ones who withdraw deeply in and eschew contact with others who do the worst.”
As an extroverted introvert, I’ve always found myself drawn to staying home. I’m comfortable at home and thus I can go extended periods of self-isolation before needing to connect with others. When I was working full-tme, I was “practicing” my social skills via my interactions with colleagues all-day, every day. When I transitioned to working for myself, I actually appreciated that less interaction with colleagues throughout the day meant I could focus my social interactions on my close friends and family, as opposed to feeling too drained for further social engagement. However, as the pandemic hit, I found myself feeling increasingly more comfortable turning inward and for weeks at a time would forget to interact with anyone that wasn’t my partner or who didn’t call me directly.
After reading the NY Times article, I am reassessing my social schedule. I think I need to be really intentional with forcing myself to maintain social interactions instead of leaning further into the desire to isolate. This is necessary not only for my own long-term mental health. but also because my work is based on observing and improving interactions in the workplace. Without continued exposure to others, particularly groups, I may forget why my work was so important to me in the first place.
There was one last finding from the NY Times article that struck me. One of the interviewees, Dr. Healey, had experience participating in polar expeditions that required long periods of isolation away from family and friends. Dr. Healey found that those who had the greatest difficulty reintegrating following the end of the expeditions were the ones who expected to pick up exactly where they left off. Expecting to go away and come back without others having changed is a recipe for disaster when it comes to reintegration. Not only have other people experienced change, but you have also changed whether you realize it or not.
This is particularly salient for me as over the last few months I have had almost a dozen friends give birth, which is a significant life transition. For many, this has marked a transition into parenthood for the first time and for others an expansion of their family. In either case, pandemic or not, these relationships were going to significantly change. Expecting for things to be the same and to pick up where we left off with these individuals may be nearly impossible without acknowledging that the relationship will need to change and evolve. That can be a scary thought in a sense, but a reality nevertheless.
In sum, for any of my introverted friends and readers out there, we need to continue to engage in our social relationships in order to keep our skills sharp. Just like we’ve all had to find a way to exercise our bodies in new ways throughout this pandemic, we need to exercise our social skills. While our urge may be to continue to retreat and go inward, we need to be intentional in maintaining regular social interaction that is nourishing to us. Hopping on Zoom calls for work doesn’t fuel us or enable us to connect with others the way that we need. Furthermore, we need to acknowledge that during this time of absence from each other’s lives, we may all change and thus our relationships will continue to evolve. In the end, we will be better on the other side of this is we can view our social skills as muscles and do what we can to work on that six-pack.
